earth day.

for spring break this year i decided to venture to the previously unchartered territory of santa fe, new mexico.  the trip deserves a whole separate post, but suffice it to say that i felt much like jack in the movie "newsies" when he sings about this marvelous place.  it truly is the land of enchantment.  one of the things that most resonated with me about the whole trip was the native american approach to our mother earth.  they revere her.  they honor her.  they understand that the purpose of the earth is not to simply provide for our human consumption, but there is reciprocal relationship between man and the planet.  man is responsible to give back what it takes, to preserve, and to enjoy the beauty along with the resources.

as it is earth day, i pay homage to this most marvelous planet on which we live.  i, no doubt, can improve on my respect for mother earth.  i can most certainly consume less, and give back more.  upcoming generations should have the same opportunities to give and to receive from the earth as i do.    the world is a sacred place.  without a doubt, i feel most connected to my spirituality when i surrounded by the grandeur of nature.  the remote corners of the earth allow my soul to reconnect to the things most important.  nature calms and rejuvenates.  it humbles.  it brings possibility and discovery.  it takes my breath away.  and i am most grateful for it.   

therapy.

i've learned to be self-aware enough to know when a depressive cycle is coming.  it's kind of like a huge texas thunderstorm rolling into your mind.  you see it building on the horizon-- a dark black cloud full of rain and lightning and thunder, gaining strength as it moves closer.  you know the storm will arrive-- there is nothing you can do to stop it-- but it's more a question of when.  and how powerful it will be.

thankfully, this particular bout seems to be on its way out.  it lasted about a month, with two particularly bad weeks-- relatively short, but strong.  the storm starts with sprinkling rain-- the days when it's a bit harder to get out of bed and there's a bit more negative self talk than usual. i still have fight in me, so i focus on exercising and eating well in hopes of limiting the effects.  but as the storm gets stronger, i get weaker.  the sprinkling rain turns to a steady stream, and while i still try and focus on the usual coping tools, i start to tire of the battle.  i start to withdraw.  my appetite disappears.  i have no energy to exercise. and the downward spiral quickens.  this is conveniently when the brunt of the storm hits--the steady stream of rain turns into a downpour.  lightning and thunder accompany it.  then comes the hail.  old demons pay their visit and my mind becomes its own worst enemy.  all i can do is hope to keep myself together long enough to make it through a work day.  friends offer help that i irrationally push away. no one should be around me when i am like this.  i ooze darkness.  i sleep 14 hours a night and am still exhausted.  the nasty, cold weather reflects what's happening in my head.

one week turns into two.  existing is a burden.  the thing required to help me heal is the very thing that is sick.  the small, rational corner of my head knows i can't continue this way and live, so i pull myself together long enough to organize an escape.  i barely pack enough food, i forget a change of clothes, but i start driving to the mountains, hoping to find peace.  the hiking, the mountains, the stars, sleeping in a tent-- nature proves to be a decent therapist.  the storm seems to break.  the dark cloud enshrouding my mind starts to move out slowly.  sunshine peeks through.  rationality begins to return and i start to feel pieces of myself come back.  more time outside helps.  i find motivation to exercise again.  people send perfectly-timed messages of encouragement and love.  the good days once again outnumber the bad.  and the storm is not gone, but i seem to have found an umbrella.

some may wonder why i'm sharing about the dark days as it's not a particularly happy topic.  truthfully, it's helpful for me to write about -- it is part of my reality and it's part of my mortal experience.  and maybe it's helpful for someone to read-- to know there's someone who understands.  and if it's not, that's ok, too.

escape.

a couple of weekends ago, i escaped to the wichita mountains.  for 24 hours peace replaced the turmoil,  serenity replaced the struggle,  perspective replaced the lack thereof, and things just made sense. 

"going to the mountains is going home." -john muir

MGB

It is truly amazing how one meal at Wagamama along the Thames can bring people together.  As I remember it, that meal in London was when M, G, and I hit it off.  I only remember a bits of conversation from the evening, but I do distinctly recall laughing until my stomach was sore.  I also remember thinking that maybe I had found some people to quench the almost unbearable loneliness I’d been experiencing on study abroad.

After that fateful night, the three of us continued to bond over walks through Paris, frites, swans, and swords in Belgium, fashion shows, gelato, and Michelangelo’s David in Italy, a cat and electric fence in Switzerland, trips to the Louvre for Art History class, and many, many other experiences that can only happen in Europe.  Self-titled MGB, we formed a group that, given our personality differences, one might think wouldn’t really mesh.  M and G are much classier than this girl, but somehow it all works.  Aside from being excellent travelling companions, whether they knew it or not the M and G helped me heal from wounds inflicted by others less considerate.  I will always be grateful for it.

This past weekend, I flew out to Utah to celebrate the M of MGB becoming the R of RGB (she got married, you see).  Though the time together was much not nearly long enough, reuniting with the two of them was priceless-- worth much, much more than the money spent on a place ticket.  It’s been a few years since we’ve all been in the same room, but as we sat and chatted for just a short time I felt the old sense of comfort that true friendship holds return to my heart.  It was so good to share space with them. 

As I watched R dance with her new husband at the reception, I realized how much I’ve missed of R and G’s lives since we got home from study abroad and especially since I moved to Texas. I regret not making more of an effort to know-- not sending more emails or making more phone calls.  While we have all changed, I hope the bond we formed in a few months in Europe and the intermittent gatherings since then are enough for them to know that I will always consider them dear, dear friends-- ones with whom I hope to share many more of life's adventures.

magical.

last thursday at school, with the impending doom of iceageddon upon north texas, a co-worker described snow days as "magical." with no recollection of experiencing a snow day while growing up in utah (we have these things called plows and ice melt), i couldn't relate to my fellow teacher's assessment. however, with the announcement of school closure on friday, i started to experience the magic of a snow-day.  a snow-day means no alarm clock, movie-watching, good intentions of catching up on work, warm drinks, and most importantly, time to rest.  it's an unplanned gift, making it all the more extraordinary.

i spent friday in a general state of lounging.  with everything covered in 4-5 inches of ice, driving was out of the question.  when saturday came, i decided to brave the conditions and attempt to drive to my aunt and uncle's house about 15 miles away to hunker down with family. the ice had yet to melt, so after 2 hours of white-knuckled, expletive-filled driving, i made it with only slight emotional scarring.  (memo to texans: when you're driving on ice, don't ride the tail of whoever is in front of you. especially when going up a hill.)   upon safe arrival, the real festivities began and continued through sunday.  with church canceled, there was no real reason to leave the house.  i couldn't have been happier.  up went the christmas decorations, out came the puzzles, christmas music filled the house, and delicious baked goods came out of the oven.  it.  was.  glorious.

sunday evening rolled around, which brought the question of whether school would again be canceled the following day.  "surely not," i thought.  how could we all possibly get so lucky as to have not one, but two snow-days?! i assumed because the roads were drivable, school would happen.  around 6:00pm, my cousin's school district called the house bearing the news: no school. and thus began the dance party.  my cousin (a sophomore in high school) and i could not restrain ourselves.  another day of unplanned rest!  does life get any better?!  only when on monday night, you are informed that school will again be canceled on tuesday.  my mother must be living right (thanks jules!) because this is just out of control. this time, my aunt joined my cousin and me in the dancing.  how did we ever get to be so lucky to be forced into spending more time with family and friends, enjoying the spirit of the season?

am i wondering how on earth i'm going to get through the rest of my material with the reduced number of classes? am i going to have to revise lesson plans? will kids already be in christmas-break mode? we will have to make up the days? of course.  but it is a welcome consequence of being able slow down and live in the present while spending time with people most dear.    

the christmas season is already wonderful, but snow days on top of it?  truly magical.  

the struggle.

in my daily perusal of online articles, this one gave me pause.  with a brother who suffers from bipolar II disorder and depression/anxiety present in my immediate family (including myself), i can sympathize with the author.  mental illness has a stigma causing others to tread lightly on the topic or disregard it altogether.  perhaps it is because it is less understood and obvious than broken bones and cancer, perhaps because people assume that you can just choose to be less-depressed and less-anxious.  but depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, and schizophrenia are real, just as cancer is real.  the effects are of these diseases also very real.  they are painful.  and they last a long, long time.  the past ten years of my life have been greatly influenced by my individual and familial struggle with the ups and downs of mental illness.  it is a battle, but one that can be made easier if we will a) acknowledge the existence of mental illness and b) help those in our circles of influence with the fight.

i am grateful the author decided to share his story and hope that others will choose to do the same.  the stigma of mental illness will only be reduced as we have the courage to talk about it openly.

work family.

a quarter into my 2nd year of teaching and i've found this year to be much better than last.  i'm less overwhelmed with the day-to-day lesson planning/grading and can focus more on refining my teaching skills and enjoying the students.  i've taken on additional roles as student council advisor and UNICEF club advisor which fills more time, but brings much reward. i feel a greater investment in the school and, dare i say it, a greater sense of belonging.

this, no doubt, is due to my work family.  

with the closest member of my immediate family over 1,000 miles away, my coworkers, along with my aunt and uncle, have become an additional family-- one i have truly come to rely on.  when students threaten my sanity, they are there to help me keep it together or, when circumstances demand, just lose it with me.  each school day is filled with an amount of laughing that is borderline illegal-- so much that i frequently ask myself, "are we allowed to have this much fun at work?"  but beyond the fun, i can't imagine taking on teaching without their support and guidance.  you would have had to pull me out of a ball in the corner long ago if it weren't for my work family. they have become teammates, mentors, role models, running partners, therapists, and above all, friends.

i have never been very good with words, especially when trying to express emotion.  it may come across as me having, as hermione would say, "the emotional capacity of a teaspoon," but i assure you it is not the case.  i couldn't be more grateful to have my work family.  

many, many thanks.