i am a thinker and an analyzer who frequently dabbles in the realm of over-thinker and over-analyzer. think rodin's le penseur on crack. take the snippet of my life (we'll call it "life-clip a") which happened a few nights ago. since its occurrence, i've hit play, then rewind, then play, then rewind, then play (this time in slow-mo), then rewind --you get the idea-- countless times. as i think about what i said (it was plentiful) and what i kept to myself (not so plentiful) the palm of my hand repeatedly hits my forehead like so:
with each successive screening of "life-clip a" in the movie theater of my mind, the more i realize i am not equipped with a filtration system that allows the pertinent/helpful/normal information to flow while keeping the weird/crazy/psycho facts for myself. it seems my words/feelings/thoughts are either restricted behind a structure much like the hoover dam or they flow like a category 5 rapid on the colorado. oy.
i think this wouldn't be so much of a problem if there weren't others involved. i worry about the poor, unfortunate, and unsuspecting soul who unknowingly takes the right sized and shaped chisel to my metaphorical hoover dam, makes a small hole expecting a little stream of information, and then gets blindsided with niagara falls as the whole dam thing comes down. i apologize for the drenching and hope you've sufficiently dried.
and the following question attaches itself to each slap:
why on earth is this coming out of my mouth?!
actually. the real question involved more 4 letter words. but i'm trying to filter. :)
with each successive screening of "life-clip a" in the movie theater of my mind, the more i realize i am not equipped with a filtration system that allows the pertinent/helpful/normal information to flow while keeping the weird/crazy/psycho facts for myself. it seems my words/feelings/thoughts are either restricted behind a structure much like the hoover dam or they flow like a category 5 rapid on the colorado. oy.
i think this wouldn't be so much of a problem if there weren't others involved. i worry about the poor, unfortunate, and unsuspecting soul who unknowingly takes the right sized and shaped chisel to my metaphorical hoover dam, makes a small hole expecting a little stream of information, and then gets blindsided with niagara falls as the whole dam thing comes down. i apologize for the drenching and hope you've sufficiently dried.
in writing this post, i think i need to somehow figure out a way to give myself an electrical shock when i'm about to say something falling under the "TMI" category. think cattle prod. or bark collar. i think more importantly but perhaps equally painful: i need to stop rebuilding the dam every time it breaks.
3 comments:
Join the club, sister! Us non-filtereds make life more interesting, no? But seriously -- relax, breathe. I'm sure it wasn't that bad. Have compassion on yourself, remember to have that compassion on others when they may be clumsy and spill TMI, and hope that they will overlook your clumsiness too. Love ya! Can't wait to hear about it :)
yeah, ditto. but: knowing how circumspect you actually are, it probs wasn't as bad as you think, and usually isn't as bad as you think. however, i think there's a genetic tendency to obsessive self-criticism...
that said: STORY STUZE.
ps: du bist eine sehr gute writer!
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