practice makes perfect.

i truly think that just like some people are good at sports and some are musically inclined, certain people have a knack for happiness.  their minds are seemingly worry-free, things roll of their backs with alarming speed, and a genuine smile is a permanent facial fixture. 

  

 well friends, i am not one of those people.  

but that is not to say i am uhappy, because i'm not.  it simply means that it requires more work and effort for me to achieve a state of happiness than those who are blessed a more cheery disposition.  do i resent it?  not usually-- it's just the way i am.

that being said, this week has been a battle.  the opponent?  myself.  i have had no motivation to do many of the things i know help me be my happiest.  it was as if i needed to conduct an experiment to see if i could feel good without doing x,y, and z, even though x,y, and z have been tested numerous times and are known to work.  

the results of said experiment?  no. bueno.  getting out of bed every morning has been a struggle.  for at least 30 minutes after my hearing my alarm, i battled with myself on whether i should drag my body out from the underneath the covers or pull the blankets over my head to make the world disappear.  (thankfully,  each day the responsible me won.)  that's just one example.  i shall spare you any more.  

many times this week, i've wondered why i have to do x,y, and z to feel balanced and happy.  isn't there another way?  a way that doesn't require so much sweating and self-control and (any) social interaction?  i've been reminded this week that in my case, the answer is a resounding no.  

perhaps in the future, my happiness won't require so much effort.  just as a musician perfects his talent with repetition, hopefully i can perfect my recipe for happiness with continual practice.  so i'm back in the saddle, ready to give x, y, and z another go. 

sign me up.

current obsessions.

this song:

 because it resonates with my soul.

this talk:

 because it gives me courage to attempt to start to live a vulnerable life.

this book:

 because it makes me believe that what i once considered a personality weakness is a actually a great power.

listen, watch, and read.

the champ.

so i have this friend.  her name is l.  we've been friends for a few years now, and she's pretty h-ing fantastic.  she's going to thailand for the next year to teach english (told you she was cool), so i flew up to indiana for a surprise visit before she leaves next month.  it was the best spent money in recent memory.

a quick recap:
on tuesday, a trip to madison, wisconsin was in order. why wisconsin, you ask? i'll tell you why: cheese curds. l had to experience the best squeaky cheese curds in the mid-west before coconut milk becomes the only dairy in her diet.  schwester #1 also happens to live in mad-town, so it was great to squeeze her for a few short hours. and wisconsin is just plain awesome.  i would not be the least bit sad if madison found itself somewhere in my future, but that's the topic of another post.  wednesday equaled a sampling of the best cuisine UW had to offer (damn, was it good), a return trip to indiana, and a twix pie in honor of the 3.14 day, none of which was actually consumed.  thursday took us to a true hidden tray-sure of a town called culver, indiana.  schwester #2 drove from south bend to meet us and we enjoyed a lovely lunch, though it was much too short for my liking.  i had a flight to catch that evening which prevented a more satisfactory conversation.  and now i am back in texas.  in summary:  it was a lovely trip involving a few of my most favorite people on the earth. no complaints here.

and now to the sentimental part... as i was sitting in the airport tonight waiting for my flight to board, i was overcome with gratitude for the wonderful friend i have in l.  we were rugby teammates for four years, but didn't become close until our last semester playing (winter 2010).  better late then never, i say.  since then, she has been my rock as far as friends are concerned. never have i met anyone so loyal in spite of my shortcomings.  l provides some much needed consistency in my life and my heart aches when i think i won't have the chance to see her for the next year.  but i know she will be doing great things in thailand and i can't help but be jealous of her upcoming adventures.  time to start saving my pennies for a visit!

thanks for everything, champ.

ฉันรักคุณ

my thoughts exactly.

"'When I'm out on long run, the only thing in life that matters is finishing the run.  For once, my brain isn't going blehblehbleh all the time.  Everything quiets down, and the only thing going on is pure flow.  It's just me and the movement and the motion.'" 

-Jenn Shelton in Born to Run

"You can't hate the Beast and expect to beat it;  the only way to truly conquer something, as everything great philosopher and geneticist will tell you, is to love it."

-Christopher McDougall in Born to Run

"Make friends with pain, and you will never be alone." 

-Ken Chlouber

i choose life.

as i was walking home from the tennis courts today, i had an epiphany stemming from a recent conversation with a friend.  forgive its rather personal nature. 

before coming to earth during the pre-mortal existence, i was fully aware that i would experience pain and suffering and sorrow and heartache in this life.  i may not have known the specific circumstances that would cause the pain, but i knew that life would hurt. a lot.  and i chose life anyway.  when i could have chosen to back down and check out, i chose to come to this world instead.  i knew if i could faithfully make it through the pain and suffering and sorrow and heartache, it would lead to something greater; i chose the hard way because it was the best way.  making that kind of decision took strength.  but i-- the person who i see only as weak and fragile-- made that decision. no one else made it for me.  i was strong once.  and because i was strong once, in my seemingly constant moments of emotional, physical, and spiritual exhaustion, i know i can be strong again.  it's part of who i am.  it's part of all of us.

Don't Mess With Texas

Happy Texas Independence Day!  For those of you needing a Texas History refresher course, on March 2, 1836, Texas declared its independence from Mexico forming the Republic of Texas.  I’m sure there are a good many people who wish Texas had stayed it own country, but that's besides the point. 

There is a part of me that feels like I don’t have the right to wave the Lone Star Flag, sing “Texas, Our Texas,” and pledge my allegiance to the state of Texas every morning at school.  Should I feel like a poser when I do Texas-y things?  I suppose my native Texan status does lend to some legitimacy, but I moved when I was very young and have lived here only six months since (P.S. Six months?! Can’t believe it.). 

But whether I should or not, I’ve always had this thing for Texas.  One of my favorite books during my younger years was The Legend of the Bluebonnet by Tomie dePaola.  Whenever we sang “God Bless the USA” in elementary school, the words “across the plains of Texas...” always got a little something extra.  My 8^thgrade history fair project was on the Battle of the Alamo, I covered an entire wall in my bedroom with a ginormous Texas flag in high school, and I have more t-shirts from the University of Texas than my own Alma mater.  And since moving back, the reasons for this "thing" have only been solidified.  

I love the weather and the open sky.  I'm getting more used to the friendliness of strangers (at first it kinda freaked me out).  I love saying "y'all"-- it's such a useful term.  If I ate more meat, I'm sure I'd love the BBQ.  I love that longhorns and armadillos are the state animals. I love the independent nature of the state and its people, undoubtedly a result of its history.  I love the pride that some misunderstand for arrogance.   

 Poser or not, I love Texas.  Happy Independence Day. 

P.S. It also happens to be Dr. Seuss' birthday.  So go write a poem, a poem go write.  Go write a poem by the end of the night.  Or see "The Lorax."